The Masters

My warmest congratulations to Phil Mickelson on his third Masters victory. Well done, Lefty!

The Masters embodies all of my golf ambivalence. The tournament is played on an absolutely gorgeous course where I am not welcome except, perhaps, as a paying spectator. I feel both envy and disgust. The Augusta National membership list published in 2002 contains an appalling group of oil men, Wall Street con artists, and captains of failed industry. I have nothing to offer them, and they don't interest me. I can't imagine relaxing over a beer with Crawford Troy Johnson, III, the Coca-Cola king of Birmingham, and talking about rates of type II diabetes. What would Lee Raymond and I discuss? The weather? How about ExxonMobil's money paid to crackpot global warming deniers?

Clubs like Augusta exist for people with money and power to mingle with other people of money and power with expectations of gaining more money and power. Women are not invited to join because the men do not want to share. They see no benefit. There aren't enough women who can provide sufficient money or power to balance the equation.

So, I laughed when Billy Payne, Chairman of Augusta National, issued his carefully crafted critique of Tiger Woods that included:

''It is simply not the degree of his conduct that is so egregious here,'' Payne said. ''It is the fact that he disappointed all of us, and more importantly, our kids and our grandkids. Our hero did not live up to the expectations of the role model we saw for our children.''

What crap! Payne as the front man for the Augusta National membership was not admonishing Tiger the golfer nor Tiger the father and husband. No. The big boys were upset with Tiger Woods the corporate entity. He was, for many, a meal ticket who, like Fredo Corleone, had been disloyal to the Family. The Men of Augusta were not pleased.

Though I laugh at Billy Payne, I feel comfortable giving Tiger advice because it pertains to behavior on the golf course:

Tiger, please stop the sullen pouting and head hanging hole after hole. I care not what you do off the course, but this on course stuff is teenage behavior and a bad habit. Hogan-up. Remember, you actually get paid to play golf. Get paid a lot of money to play golf. Imagine the rest of us who work indoor jobs, sitting in offices decorated with golf calendars, looking at computers displaying golf course screen savers. We read magazines with your picture on the cover hoping that some of the magic will transfer from the printed page. Our families have no trouble selecting our birthday and Fathers' Day gifts. They hand over beautifully wrapped golf balls, a dozen at a time, for us to top into ponds, pull-hook deep into the trees, and bounce into scrubby rough labeled "Rattlesnake Habitat." We keep our clubs in our cars hoping for days when our schedule permits a long lunch at the driving range and to be prepared for sudden-onset, fair-weather, golfers' sick day disease.

So, enough with the spoiled kid behavior. In every round of golf, only 18 shots end up in the hole. The other roughly 75% (for you; a much higher percentage for average golfers) do not. That's just basic math, not some kind of tragedy, and no reason for the self-pitying reactions.

Blog Against Theocracy 2010

Anyone trying to insert his or her bible among the articles and amendments of the Constitution of the United States must explain why our founding fathers -- nearly all professed to be devout men -- wrote a purely secular document.

America's theocrats ignore what is written in the Constitution and, instead, see the authors' religious uniformity as evidence for a United States of Christianistan. How laughingly absurd. Read the document. It's obvious that the authors left their religion at the door. God is nowhere in our Constitution. The word religious appears just once. It is in Article IV, "no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States." The word religion is found only in the establishment clause of the first amendment. Jesus, divine, divinity, Christ, Christian, holy, pray, prayer, hymn, psalm, crucifix, and cross are all, like God, excluded from the basic law of the land.

Imagine a group of believers for whom God is a constant part of their lives. These men see God's hand in everything from the magnificent to the mundane. Then, they gather to create the fundamental guiding law for a new nation. The men argue, cajole, and compromise. They pray for guidance and inspiration. They write, argue, and edit. They pray some more. Finally, the Constitution is completed and signed, and it is a godless document. Do not for an instant believe that God and religion are omitted by accident. These religious people have chosen to create secular government.


Theocracy usually implies to me Muslim mullahs or America's wannabes. This week, just in time for the Blog Against Theocracy, the Vatican demands its seat at the table. I have to respond with a forehead-smacking, "Of course!" How could I have so long overlooked the west's richest and most respected theocracy? Silly me. Because the Vatican screams out that religion and politics should not mix. Both get hurt. Both are degraded. Both are compromised. I give to you the Pope and his minions as this year's poster boys for the Blog Against Theocracy.

Seat 30E

The plane, Dallas to Albuquerque, was about 20 minutes from landing. 30E looked down at the snow on the ground, "Sure has been a cold winter."

"Yes it has." He and I would not agree on much again.

"At least, it stops all this bullshit about global warming."

I tried to follow my wife's recommendation. Don't challenge people directly. Instead, ask them questions about their opinions. I hoped my voice was calm. Neutral. "Why do you say that?"

"Well, it's all bullshit."

"That's not what I read in the scientific literature."

30E's eyes widened a bit. Global warming deniers don't talk about scientific work. "My grandfather was -- he named a Plains Indian tribe -- and told me that only white men think they can change the planet."

"Yeah, I bet he did."

30E put a quarter in the Fox slot machine and pulled the lever. Cherry, lemon, and, "Do you know that Al Gore bought six houses all in a row, tore 'em down and built himself a 35,000 square foot mansion?"

"I don't care about Al Gore. He doesn't publish in the scientific literature."

"But he's such a hypocrite. Just shows all these guys spout bullshit. I worked in the medical field for twenty years. Those guys who publish stuff. They're nothing but big egos."

Big egos! 30E had set up such an easy shot at the broadcast no-nothing blatherheads. Yet, I wanted to stay on the gentle path, "Scientists have egos just like everyone else. They like to see their work published. That's true. But, peer review is the best system we've got. Not perfect; but, in the long run it works pretty well."

Time for another random walk step within the right wing nut house. "Why," asked 30E, "Did they change the name from 'global warming' to 'climate change'?"

"Oh, I'm not sure. It happened during W's administration. I think Bush's people thought 'climate change' sounded like less of a problem."

I had said a magic word. Groucho's duck dropped down. "I bet you think Bush is an idiot. Well, I think that guy in there now is a real idiot."

"That guy." Voldemort. The unmentioned. "No. I don't think Bush is an idiot. He's cruel -- very cruel -- and shortsighted. Obama is extremely intelligent. " I then tried to head off digression into birth certificates, Islam, and Karl Marx, "You know that science deals with probabilities, not certainty. Global warming creates a paradox. By the time we can be 100% sure of serious consequences, it will be too late to do anything. So, what odds would motivate you to action?"

We agreed again momentarily as 30E said, "That's how science is done."

"Right. What if the science showed a 50% probability that sea level would rise by 30 feet by the end of the century? That would mean Florida under water and most coastal cities flooded. 50% odds. Look, I'm going to use a seat belt when I drive home from the airport. That's not because I expect to get into an accident. I don't. It's because there is a small probability that I will, and I am trying to protect myself against those low odds. At what point -- what odds -- would you take the climate science seriously?"

The tone and cadence of our exchange changed, I thought, to signal real conversation. 30E looked as if he were thinking about the odds of global warming consequences.

In the words of the great golfer Roberto De Vicenzo, "I am such a stupid!" 30E is a right-wing, tea bagging, tin soldier. There are no conversations, only regurgitations. There are no "what if" questions. 30E shook his head and cleared away any ambiguity. Our plane had landed. He was, literally and figuratively, back on solid ground. "They always get it wrong."

"Who?"

"Those scientists. That 'Silent Spring' woman. Because of her, DDT got banned and now 3 million African kids die each year from malaria. I did the math. She's responsible for 50 million dead children. I think it's great that she died from cancer. Served her right. All that bullshit about birds eggs. When I think of all those little black babies..." He was close to Glenn-Beckian tears.
I was unprepared. 50 million deaths seemed outrageous as did the blame heaped on Rachel Carson's grave.

My reply, "I can't imagine one environmentalist having so much power." But, 30E could. The story fit his world view. Then he moved on to condemn Paul Ehrlich's "Population Bomb." Another example he said of scientists being alarmist -- the sky is falling -- and wrong. I couldn't remember Norman Borlaug's name. The father of the green revolution, the man who revised Ehrlich's timetable.

The scientists always get it wrong. We had flown over a thousand miles in an aluminum can and arrived safely. The plane's wing tips curled up, showing a recent aerodynamic improvement that saves fuel. 30E turned on his cell phone. All of this taken for granted technology that started, for the most part, with scientists who got it right. The nearest equivalent to global warming is ozone destruction by chlorofluorocarbons. Sherry Rowland and Mario Molina, the scientists who got that right, were at first attacked personally just as 30E and his cohort attack today's climatologists. The campaign against Rowland and Molina was organized by an industry lobbying group just as the oil and coal industries fund today's anti-science campaign.

I used teh Google when I got home to learn the details of DDT and malaria in Africa. Scientific American covered the issue last May. Guess what? 30E got it wrong. Are you surprised? DDT was not banned in Africa. The UN reported at least 3950 tons of the pesticide was spray in Asia and Africa in 2007. Most was used for mosquito control. Malaria is epidemic in spite of DDT use. There are 880,000 malaria deaths a year. Most victims are children in sub-Saharan Africa. A horrendous death rate, but about 1/4 of 30E's claim. What a worthless bastard.

Correction

I erred in my previous post by taking a narrow view of business response to Colorado Springs' financial disaster. Stephen Bartolin, Jr., who runs the Broadmoor resort, e-mailed the Springs mayor and city councilors with budget saving recommendations. Cutting payroll was his top priority:

* Contract out everything that is practical with sharply negotiated pricing which gets you out from under the overtime, benefit and pension costs paid to City employees.

* Restructure your benefit and retirement plans to something more comparable to what is available in the private sector.

More specifically:

* 70% payroll cost – No matter what business you are in, for profit or non-profit, the game is pretty much over if you are running a 70% payroll cost. We do approximately half the revenue the City does and we run a 30% payroll cost with 1800 plus employees, near the same number as the City.

* Per employee cost of $89,196 – It is doubtful you can find any private employer for 500 or more people in the state of Colorado or practically the nation that has a per employee payroll cost that high. Our per employee cost is $24,460, which includes seasonal and part-time people which we use a great deal as there are no benefit costs associated with these.

* The number of people it takes to get things done -

It's called class warfare. Bartolin presents a recipe for America as a third world country. His e-mailed advice would create a caste of have nots useful for keeping the city functioning but financially unable to enter the Broadmoor's lobby. If a couple wanted a golf weekend getaway in early May, Bartolin's Broadmoor would charge them $560 for two nights in a standard room plus $155 for each round of golf on the Mountain or West courses. East Course greens fees are higher: $195. Eating is also expensive. The Penrose Room offers a piker's prixe fixe 3-course meal at $72 per person not including wine. Real gastronomes might pick the chef's tasting menu plus sommelier's wine selections for $158 each. Sunday brunch is $38 a head. The weekend would cost at least $1400 before tips and taxes. Who can afford this? Certainly not Bartolin's ideally impoverished city workers.

Even now, after the Wall Street grifters flushed everyone's investments down the toilet, Bartolin damns defined-benefit pensions as budget busters and advocates that Colorado Springs, "Develop a generous matching 401K plan and have people take responsibility for their own retirement planning." Who gets to take responsibility for what? Imagine someone who followed Bartolin's prescription for a self-directed, defined-contribution retirement plan and now approaches retirement age. Let's assume the best. She paid in the maximum allowed each year and received generous employer contributions. She invested wisely, had the wisdom to switch from stocks to cash right at the market's peak, and is ready to retire with a one-million-dollar 401(k) account. Now what? A 10-year treasury bond pays about 3 1/2% interest, or $31,500 per year on a million dollar investment. That's not much. Shorter term paper is at 1% or less. She just might need a seasonal or part-time job at the Broadmoor to supplement the retirement income. This hypothetical woman did everything right -- as Bartolin sees it -- but ends up screwed.

Bartolin and his cohort are too busy pushing America into the 19th century to observe the obvious. Their ideas are awful. They don't work. The supposedly no nonsense, tough guy, uberpractical businessmen are motivated entirely by right wing anti-labor zealotry. They run from the facts. Everything they say and write oozes self-interest. Here is another one of Bartolin's recommendations: It occurs to me Police Officers and Firefighters who risk their lives for this community should be excluded from the ideas being advanced. And, it occurs to me that police and fire protection are the city services most important to the Broadmoor. Hotel guests don't care about Colorado Springs parks, buses, libraries, and swimming pools. Pot holes and dark street lamps probably don't matter either. The hotel is 3 miles of state highway from I-25. The city doesn't take care of those roads; the state does.

What nonsense.

Schadenfreude, CO

The good, friendly, generous Christian folk of Colorado Springs are experiencing the results of too much right-wing blather and too little imagination. Colorado's second largest city is broke. Years of anti-tax rhetoric shrunk the local government to almost nothing and drowned it in a bathtub. Who could have expected the collateral damage to include parks, swimming pools, street lights, and pot hole repairs, plus police and fire protection? Only fools, atheists, commies, Marxists, socialists, and liberal fascists would have connected taxes (dot A) to community (dot B).

The gunnies must be thrilled. They can now cast themselves as the not-so-thin, not-so-blue line separating good guys from bad. They itch for the chance to sneer, "Make my day," before blasting a cowed perp into bloody paste. How often do grown men (and women?) get access to such widely admired and potentially deadly fantasies?

I try to imagine the small steps in the journey of delusion that transformed bland, western sprawl into a self-generated, stop work order. I wonder, as well, about the moneyed string pullers. Will they finally try to re-direct the anti-tax zealots? Is it too late? Don't get me wrong. I know that the wealthy don't give a damn about public libraries and buses. They might, however, worry about businesses unable to survive in failed cities. Who is going to move their business to Colorado Spring? The city is now as financially attractive as Detroit. And, how long will the taint last? Municipalities often try to lure companies by promising tax breaks. Not an option for Colorado Springs now, and not likely possible for many years. Anyone trying to sell their house must be apoplectic.

One more question: How will the wing-nuts manage to blame the problem on liberals?

More Wrong Stuff

I've been thinking about a global-warming-is-a-hoax speech given by Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK) on the senate floor in January, 2005. Here is my favorite part:

"In addition, last month, popular author Dr. Michael Crichton, who has questioned the wisdom of those who trumpet a "scientific consensus," released a new book called State of Fear, which is premised on the global warming debate. I'm happy to report that Dr. Crichton's new book reached #3 on the New York Times bestseller list."

Crichton wrote fiction. "State of Fear" is fiction.

I took a quick look back at some of Crichton's other books. Andromeda Strain (1969) is about a deadly pathogen that hitchhikes to earth on a military satellite. Forty years after that alarmist fiction was published, we have yet to find any extraterrestrial microbes. Hasn't happened. Jurassic Park (1990) describes living dinosaurs created in a laboratory by cloning DNA taken from blood in amber-preserved prehistoric mosquitoes. Exciting premise. Hasn't happened. It's fiction. Rising Sun (1992) is a murder thriller as soap box for Crighton's warning about economic warfare by Japan against the United States. The book's publication coincided with the start of Japan's lost decade; ten years of economic decline, real estate busts, and price deflation.

Clown Car

I wish I could draw. Palin's pickup by Fox News suggests a political cartoon derived from the old circus visual cliche where a stream of clowns get out of a tiny car. The new version shows a television tuned to Fox with a line of clown-attired pundits spewing from the screen. Palin leads O'Reilly, Rove, Hannity, Beck, the Cheneys, Perino, Goldberg, and the rest. I see them all Munchkin-sized, in polka dots, orange bozo wigs, white gloves, huge shoes, and red globe noses. They strut into some poor bastard's living room, arms bent and elbows swinging in exaggerated happy self-importance.