How Obama Should Answer Romney's Secret Speech

Charlie Pierce, as always, got it right in creating the speech that Romney should give in response to the secret tape.

 There is a corresponding speech that Obama should make -- though he won't -- to the same audience:

Listen up and shut up.  I'm all you got.  You want to keep tying yourself to that dying elephant?  Go ahead.  That party is going down.  Nothing coming but years and years of failed national elections.  Sure, they'll still win big for school boards and dog catchers.  But, that's not what you care about.  Is it?  So, here's the deal: I'm all you got.  Capiche?  I mean, where else are you going to go?  Put your money in euros or sterling or yen or renminbi?  Swiss francs?  Don't make me laugh.  Yessirree.  Uncle Sam is the only game left and, right now, I'm the croupier.  Got it?

I'm going to let you keep most of your money.  From now on, though, you only get to haul it in with dumpsters instead of 18-wheelers.  Quelle fucking dommage.  Glass-Steagall is coming back.   Yeah.  There's gonna be boring, nine-to-five bankers and there's gonna be high flying investment aces; but you can't be both.  You guys get to figure out who is who.  Draw straws.  Russian roulette.  I don't give a fuck.  Just make it happen or you get cuffed and perp-walked from Wall Street down to Battery Park where I will personally toss you the fuck into the fucking river. 

And, the SEC?  It's coming back for real.  No more old-fashioned fat wheezing cop on the beat willing to look the other way for a few bucks.  Uh-uh.  Real.  I may even put Elliot Spitzer in charge.  Ha ha ha.  

I know what you're thinking.  I know you're wondering what you are going get from this deal.  The answer is a stable, predictable, reliable economy.  No more insane booms and busts.  No more masters of the universe bullshit.  You get to make money.  You get to keep a lot of it. What's not to like?

 In return, you have to grow the fuck up and pay taxes.  This country of ours -- emphasis ours -- needs good schools, firefighters, cops, roads, hospitals, and parks.  You are gonna help pay.  No different than what your parents and grandparents did.  And, you're gonna like it.  In fact, you're gonna love it.  Because, I'm all you got.  You didn't mind when the Republican party was overloaded with crackpot religious fanatics who cared only about abortion and evolution.  It didn't matter, did it?  You got your tax cuts; the loons got the shaft.  Your streets were paved with gold.  Now, though, the inmates are in charge of the GOP.  They are ready to screw you by losing big time.   Let me repeat, "I'm all you got."

The decision is all yours. And, I'm a generous guy.   No hard feelings.  You and the missus will still get invited to the White House next term.  You're still big cheeses.  Still on the A-list.  But, if you are not with me now, if you don't show your love for me with your wallets, then you will get the tables in the back next to the kitchen where you will sit with crazy Ron Paul and his Kim-Jong-Il-style Senator son, and they will tag-team lecture you on the benefits of the gold standard and their commitment to freezing the debt ceiling.  In other words, I'm all you got.